Sunday, February 10, 2008

Suffering from Early-Onset Nostalgia

With the move coming closer and closer, I decided now would be a great time to get all the videos together that I've taken over the past year and make them into movies complete with music to burn to DVD's for family here in Minnesota. Isn't that nice? I enjoy waiting until the worst possible time to start huge, time-consuming projects. This could all be related to my chronic procrastination, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.

I look at these fairly recent videos and see them as if it's 10 years from now and I'm thinking, look how cute and small they are, if only they were still that size! Suddenly I'm imagining them leaving for college. Jack has a goatee and a guitar and Dylann has 10 girlfriends. They call me Ma. I don't mind.

It's like I'm either looking back at their ages and remembering what it was like when they were younger, or I'm imagining what it will be like when they are older and doing things on their own, like wiping themselves and washing their own hair without having an emotional breakdown. They're so old! They're so young! I'm such a nut!

Then I begin to worry that I'm not appreciating their ages right now because I'm so caught up in the daily grind, washing dishes, picking up toys, locking myself in the bathroom, and taking a mental note of how many times I say things that sound completely ridiculous like, what did you think was going to happen when you did that? or the very effective how many times have I told you?! How original. It's like suddenly I'm channeling some annoying woman from the 50's and I have no control over what I'm saying or doing.

In a way, it seems like it's impossible to really appreciate the ages they are until I step back and see things from a distance. Because at the time, there are plenty of little struggles that come along with what stage they are in. There is an ever-changing array of challenges. But seeing a video of only the cute, funny, and beautiful moments combined with heartwarming music reminds me how adorable they are at this age, right now. So I guess that's what it takes. I just go along complaining about my children and then realize when I see a video that they are actually angelic (especially accompanied by Jack Johnson) and I should spend every day holding their hands and squeezing them because it won't be long and they'll be grown up and telling me how much they wished their mom had only truly appreciated them during the tender years, instead of spouting off outdated threats and warnings like a robot. Way to go, Ma.

3 comments:

Defiantmuse said...

where ya movin' to?

I do the same thing w/ my daughter. And she's only 9 months. But I remember how she was when she was barely able to hold her head up or I keep wondering how she'll be when she's 3, 4, 5 and her personality emerges even more. Will she be like me at all or rebel and I'll end up a/ an evangelical Republican on my hands?

and then I try to remind myself to focus on her now. because it all will slip by so fast. And then I'll just sit around wishing I'd enjoyed her more when she actually still wanted to be in my arms 24/7.

cameo said...

chris just transfered old videos to disk. and when i was watching them there were so many things i didn't remember. where was i? and truth be told, i think i'm doing it now as well. i'm such a busy spirit. i can never rest. i have to be doing something all the time or i don't feel right. my sweet little children are making their way fine. but thank god for video!

Becky said...

Awww.

It's hard to live in the moment every day, but I'm trying to, as well.