Thursday, August 14, 2008

I feel like an underpaid zookeeper

I was going to write this post about my secret love of children's books. Because I do secretly love children's picture books and I think they can be poignant and beautiful and funny and heart wrenching and very, very, very good. See how well-spoken I am? However, the unforeseeable events of this morning have changed the topic of this post. Instead it will be about trying to put a rabid cat in a bathtub....and by that I mean trying to get a 4 year old who doesn't want to go to school to put a uniform on and get in the minivan and stay there until we get to the school and then drag him kicking and screaming to his classroom where he will eventually calm down and have a pleasant day at school and come home happy only to wake up and realize that he doesn't want to go to school.

Jack was off to a good start the first week of school, but apparently he's had enough. Tuesday he was home sick and then Wednesday he was frantic not to go to school and I could not get him to put his uniform on until we were already very late. He locked himself in various rooms of the house while I chased him around and eventually it was so late I gave up because I didn't want to cause a huge disturbance at the school in the middle of the day. Which was a mistake, of course. This morning I had to pay for that.

It's difficult to carry a near 50 lb. child flailing all his limbs around like a giant vengeful seagull through an entire school while he screams various dramatic outcries. Dude, I understand. It sucks, but let's not get carried away here. There was literally sweat on my face by the time we got to his classroom and I think I my expression was a combination of "somebody help me" and "somebody shoot me" and "everybody look out!" My thoughts raced back and forth between my poor baby! and I've raised a monster! It was a horrible situation for both of us. I felt horrible...there was guilt involved...he felt horrible...there was kicking involved...

The one thing that made things slightly easier was that every single adult I saw looked sympathetic and understanding at our situation. These are elementary school teachers and they've seen it all before. You know normally in any other situation there would be some woman looking like Judgy McJudgypants, but there was none of that this morning, which was wonderful because I hate Judgy McJudgypants.

The thing that caught me so off guard with Jack's reaction this morning was that as far as I knew, he liked school. He pretty much has only had good things to report when he comes home at the end of the day and seems proud of himself. All this is complicated by the fact that we'll be moving in 6 weeks and starting over again at a new school. Somebody help me. Somebody shoot me. Everybody look out!

This was on his first day, when he just got on the bus and went to school. Just like that.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

My Big Head and Me

Donn is gone right now at a military school for 5 weeks. I just realized that sounds like I have a child named Donn that I sent away to boarding school. My husband Donn has been sent, by the army, to a military school for advanced training. He is not an 8 year old delinquent.

Anyway, he is gone right now. When he's not home, I have trouble sleeping. I'm a night person to begin with, so I like to stay up quite a while after the boys go to bed, but without Donn here I stay up way too late watching these creepy true crime shows. Then I can't sleep because I'm afraid I'll be the next victim in a true crime show. Truly.

So I've started leaving the TV on really quiet at night because at least then if someone is sneaking in to attack me, I won't have to freak out about it right away. Has anyone seen the things that are on TV late at night? There is some good stuff going on, let me tell you. The other night there was a show on BBC America that was called My Small Breasts and I. Just think of the possibilities for a series of these shows: Me and My Pancreas...Finding my Uvula...Me, Myself, and My Lazy Eye...My Big Buttcheeks and Me. And then there are the weird fetish shows about people who love smashing pies in their faces, cousins who marry each other, grown women who like to wear diapers. I always wonder how they find the people to participate in these shows. Why don't I have a next door neighbor who dresses like Peter Pan every day? I guess we're in the wrong neighborhood.

Next on my agenda here for in-depth discussion are the commercials that come on late at night. They are the worst. Things like Cash 4 Gold, Head On!, and LifeAlert. The actors in these commercials are so terrible. It's like they just grabbed some people who were down on their luck and gave them $20 and a sandwich to be on TV.

In other news, the boys did fine at school yesterday. Although this morning when Jack was about to board the bus, he decided he didn't want to go and took off running toward the house, tore off his backpack, dashed inside the front door, and locked me out. And there I stood, knocking on my own front door so my four year old would let me in. It makes me laugh to imagine the neighbors watching what goes on at our house. Never a dull moment. I eventually did get him to school....because of my excellent parenting skillz.